Malpractice
by GBscientist
Summary: Scalpel is totally misunderstood. He didn't really mean Sam any harm, he's just not familiar with organics.


Malpractice

Disclaimer: Transformers is property of Takara-Tomy and Hasbro. I'm just borrowing it.

* * *

Many people consider Scalpel needlessly sadistic for his plan to remove the brain of Sam Witwicky to get some information out of it. While Scalpel is, in fact, rather sadistic, that is not why he demanded the removal of Sam's brain. It was really just a misunderstanding of the difference between Cybertronian and Human physiology. As evidence, I present the following summary of a day in Scalpel's sick bay aboard the _Nemesis_.

* * *

Scalpel's sick bay was of a rather unusual design. Most of the room was the standard height for a Decepticon warship and included six medical berths for injured Decepticons to lie upon. At the back of the bay was a massive counter littered with discarded parts that extended into a ledge that ran around the room at the same height as the berths. The large counter also included a miniscule set of stairs that were the only access to Scalpel's private office and quarters beneath the counter. It was an efficient, if odd, arrangement that perfectly suited it efficient, if odd, occupant.

Scalpel ascended the stairs from his office with his morning energon cube in his left hand and a datapad in his right. On the datapad was the functional equivalent of his morning newspaper. He scuttled over to the intercom switch on the wall, set down the now empty cube and the read datapad, and activated the intercom.

"Ze sick bay is now open. Now accepting new patients," Scalpel broadcast ship-wide as he did almost every morning. Within minutes his first patient had arrived.

"Hey, Doc," Stockade said as he limped in, "I think I busted a piston during that last raid. Can you take a look?"

"Ya, ya. Take seat on ze berth," Scalpel instructed as he scuttled along the ledge to the nearest berth. Stockade did as instructed and swung his injured leg onto the berth. "Hmm. Ya. Piston is dented and punctured. You must have replacement." Scalpel proceeded to unbolt the broken hydraulic piston from its mountings and scuttled back to his pile of parts on the counter. There he tossed the broken piston and retrieved a functional one before scuttling back to Stockade. "I fix broken piston and give to next glitch who breaks piston. You get this piston. Came from Scrapper, I tink," Scalpel installed the piston and waved Stockade on his way. "NEXT!"

The next Decepticon to enter the sick bay was Dirge, who led in Ramjet.

"Vhy are both of you here?" Scalpel asked. "One at a time only!"

"I'm not sick, he is," Dirge explained.

"I, um, got hit during the last mission and now I can't see anything," Ramjet said.

"You rammed somesing again, ya?"

"Ya," Ramjet admitted.

"Get on ze berth. I take a look," Scalpel instructed, and Ramjet did as ordered. Dirge took the opportunity to disappear. Scalpel scampered up onto Ramjet's torso and began popping open panels on the part that became his nose in jet form. "No gut, no gut. Everysing iz crumpled. I cannot work in zese conditions. I must have ze visual processor on ze table!"

"Um, maybe I'll just let my self-repair system take care of it…"

"Nein!" Scalpel abruptly hit Ramjet with an EMP that sent the Seeker into stasis lock. Then he transformed his hands into circular saws and cut away enough of the dented plating to get at Ramjet's visual processor, which he ripped out and took back to his pile of parts. "NEXT!"

"Hello, Scalpel," Lockdown said as he entered sick bay. "I was wondering if you could construct me a new hand." Lockdown raised the hook that he had in place of his right hand.

"Ya, Lockdown, I can build new hand. I need to keep your right fore-arm here for a few days to build ze new hand and attach wiring properly. I call you when I am done and you come in to get everysing attached."

"You know what, I've changed my mind," Lockdown said while looking at Ramjet's mangled frame. "The hook's kind of grown on me."

"Your choice," Scalpel said with a shrug. "Have ze nice day. NEXT!"

Lockdown exited and Starscream entered carrying a large bundle of scrap.

"I have a pair of long-term rehabilitation projects for you, Scalpel," Starscream said as he set the bundle down on the counter. He picked up a sphere with glowing lines and a memory core. "This is what remains of Dreadwing. He chose the wrong day to slag me off. Megatron wants him fitted to a new frame."

"Ya, I can do zis. Vhere is his teleport drive?"

"I returned it to the rightful owner."

"Ah. And ze rest?"

"Divebomb. He sided with Dreadwing and ended up as a very impressive IED. His memory core and spark are intact, but the rest is questionable."

"I can bring him back online, but most of his mass is gone. His new alternate form will have to be much smaller."

"Acceptable," Starscream replied.

"Vill zhere be anysing else LuftKommandant?" Scalpel asked.

"If you have a moment, I'd appreciate it if you would look at my shoulder. I was able to re-attach my arm after Optimus Prime tore it off, but it's been sluggish ever since."

"Ya, I can examine it now," Scalpel said. Starscream obligingly retracted the armour plates around his right shoulder and Scalpel skittered up his arm. "Hmm. Ze connections of ze wiring and hoses made by your self-repair systems are barely acceptable. I will have to do ze chop-chop and reconnect zem properly."

"Do it," Starscream ordered.

"Yavohl! " Scalpel agreed and he got right down to work slicing and splicing. The work took about 20 minutes to complete. When he was done, Scalpel skittered back down Starscream's arm to the counter.

"Thank you, Scalpel," Starscream said as he flexed his arm and hand. "That feels much better. Your work and manner remind me very much of work I had done on that shoulder a medic I knew before the war started."

"Ya. I was programmed by ze best combat medic on Cybertron."

* * *

"Hey Ratchet? Can I get you to look at something for a minute?" Sideswipe asked as he walked (not skated) into Ratchet's med bay.

"Sure, Sideswipe, what's the matter?" Ratchet said without turning away from his tool rack to look at Sideswipe.

"I was doing donuts out on the tarmac and I think I busted a drive sprocket in my left foot-wheel. Can you fix it up real fast? I don't want Ironhide to get on my case about being late for duty again."

"Sure, I can take that foot problem off your mind in no time," Ratchet said, still without facing Sideswipe. Ratchet smirked and extended his circular saw before turning to the injured Autobot.

* * *

Author's Note: I want to acknowledge my fellow author thebrokencradle for introducing me to the idea of Ratchet and Scalpel being related with her story 'Monster'.


End file.
